1
00:00:04,236 --> 00:00:06,070
Dangle: good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen.

2
00:00:06,105 --> 00:00:08,707
I can't tell you how
pleased I am to be here

3
00:00:08,741 --> 00:00:12,577
Making this
mandatory public apology.

4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:14,078
49 years ago,

5
00:00:14,113 --> 00:00:19,050
The Reno sheriff's department
made a humdinger of a goof.

6
00:00:19,084 --> 00:00:22,853
Bob Heron here
was wrongfully convicted

7
00:00:22,888 --> 00:00:24,789
As the dumpster rapist.

8
00:00:24,823 --> 00:00:28,193
So it is my pleasure to
present to you Mr. Bob Heron--

9
00:00:28,227 --> 00:00:31,929
Not the dumpster rapist
at all--Just a guy,

10
00:00:31,963 --> 00:00:34,599
Just a guy who spent
49 years in jail.

11
00:00:34,633 --> 00:00:37,535
Mr. Bob Heron, everybody.
Yeah! Not a rapist. Not a rapist

12
00:00:37,569 --> 00:00:38,737
Jones:
our bad.

13
00:00:38,771 --> 00:00:40,305
Junior: our bad.

14
00:00:43,241 --> 00:00:44,309
Bobby?

15
00:00:50,716 --> 00:00:51,682
Aah!

16
00:00:51,717 --> 00:00:52,750
Son of a bitch.
God damn it.

17
00:00:56,488 --> 00:00:57,822
Huh!
[Coughs]

18
00:00:57,856 --> 00:00:59,791
They all have guns!

19
00:01:03,729 --> 00:01:05,964
Woo-Hoo!

20
00:01:07,299 --> 00:01:08,266
Ow!

21
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:09,734
Push 'em.
Push 'em together?

22
00:01:09,768 --> 00:01:11,369
Sheriff's department.
I need your bike!

23
00:01:13,171 --> 00:01:14,772
Oh, god!

24
00:01:16,575 --> 00:01:17,976
[Sirens approaching]

25
00:01:18,010 --> 00:01:19,878
[Fires two shots,
empty gun clicks]

26
00:01:19,912 --> 00:01:22,213
Uh! Uh!

27
00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:25,717
Boss, boss, you're over
the line.

28
00:01:25,751 --> 00:01:26,951
Aah!

29
00:01:29,955 --> 00:01:33,658
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

30
00:01:33,692 --> 00:01:35,460
Good morning, everybody.

31
00:01:35,494 --> 00:01:36,661
Weigel: good morning.

32
00:01:36,695 --> 00:01:39,297
Dangle: hey! Terrific news.

33
00:01:39,331 --> 00:01:41,299
Uh, let's all
congratulate him.

34
00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:48,573
Jack Declan has completed
his 16 hours of mandatory anger management training.

35
00:01:48,607 --> 00:01:51,642
[Scattered applause]

36
00:01:51,676 --> 00:01:53,445
Declan: can I
tell you something?

37
00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:58,850
If you ever end up having
to deal with those fucking numb-nut fuckknobs,

38
00:01:58,884 --> 00:02:00,652
All you got to do is just
play it fucking poker-faced.

39
00:02:00,686 --> 00:02:03,020
You don't owe them a smile.
You don't owe them a hug.

40
00:02:03,055 --> 00:02:05,189
All you got to do is
fucking keep it neutral.

41
00:02:05,224 --> 00:02:06,757
And they'll let you walk
out the fucking door,

42
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:10,995
And then do whatever
the fucking fuck you want. Uh!

43
00:02:13,799 --> 00:02:15,433
Money well spent.

44
00:02:15,468 --> 00:02:16,601
Williams: should we not
bring out the cake?

45
00:02:16,635 --> 00:02:18,102
Because we had a whole cake
and the whole thing.

46
00:02:18,136 --> 00:02:19,937
Dangle: no. Fuck the cake.
Fuck the cake.

47
00:02:19,972 --> 00:02:23,574
As you know, we've been
threatened with a lawsuit by Viacom international

48
00:02:23,609 --> 00:02:26,945
If we do not enforce
their copyrights.

49
00:02:26,979 --> 00:02:31,249
Their claim is--And they're
filing this in many states--

50
00:02:31,283 --> 00:02:34,752
That local law enforcement
is not doing enough to enforce copyrights

51
00:02:34,787 --> 00:02:36,454
On their copyrighted
characters.

52
00:02:36,488 --> 00:02:38,356
I'm taking about your
"Spongebob Squarepants," your "Dora the explorers."

53
00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:39,824
Jones: what?

54
00:02:39,859 --> 00:02:41,459
Junior: like your
DVD collection of that smurf porn

55
00:02:41,494 --> 00:02:42,694
And "little mermaid"
porn and--

56
00:02:42,728 --> 00:02:44,362
Dangle: ah, ah, ah,
ah, ah, ah.

57
00:02:44,396 --> 00:02:45,497
That's completely
different.

58
00:02:45,531 --> 00:02:46,831
We're talking about
merchandise.

59
00:02:46,866 --> 00:02:48,700
I have a little Black
Sambo potholder collection.

60
00:02:48,734 --> 00:02:50,901
Are they gonna freak out
about that?

61
00:02:50,936 --> 00:02:51,903
Dangle: Viacom?

62
00:02:51,937 --> 00:02:53,204
Yeah.

63
00:02:53,238 --> 00:02:54,406
Highly unlikely. Or did
you mean the black people

64
00:02:54,440 --> 00:02:55,974
At the end of the table
are gonna freak out?

65
00:02:56,008 --> 00:02:58,042
Weigel: anybody? Is
anyone gonna freak out?

66
00:02:58,077 --> 00:02:59,277
I think there's a very
solid chance these guys might freak out.

67
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:00,378
I'm afraid to
look over there.

68
00:03:00,412 --> 00:03:02,047
Don't look over there.

69
00:03:06,952 --> 00:03:09,020
You seem pretty tense
a lot of the time.

70
00:03:09,055 --> 00:03:11,523
Did something happen
to you in that time that you were in Chicago?

71
00:03:11,557 --> 00:03:13,291
That's where you were,
right? Chicago, right?

72
00:03:13,326 --> 00:03:14,425
Uh-Huh.

73
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:15,927
Something happen
or something?

74
00:03:15,961 --> 00:03:23,601
It was a concentrated
time of a lot of high-stakes situations

75
00:03:23,635 --> 00:03:25,136
That ended me up...

76
00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:30,174
They call it post-traumatic
stress syndrome.

77
00:03:30,208 --> 00:03:32,743
Mm-Hmm. OK.
But you're telling me you're fine.

78
00:03:36,816 --> 00:03:38,716
Oh, I'd love to hear
you say it out loud.

79
00:03:42,421 --> 00:03:44,189
There's a lot of
gangs in Reno--

80
00:03:44,223 --> 00:03:46,358
Two main gangs--
The 15th street gang and the Kings.

81
00:03:46,392 --> 00:03:49,527
And they like to
tag their walls with these awful graffiti.

82
00:03:49,561 --> 00:03:51,462
'Cause they don't got
a damn thing else to do.

83
00:03:51,497 --> 00:03:55,700
Yeah. So we get,
about once a month,

84
00:03:55,734 --> 00:03:57,168
Make our shit-Hole
look like

85
00:03:57,203 --> 00:04:00,538
A little bit less of
a shit-hole.

86
00:04:00,572 --> 00:04:01,539
Damn those Kings.

87
00:04:01,573 --> 00:04:02,540
[Gunshots]

88
00:04:02,574 --> 00:04:03,974
[Tires screech]

89
00:04:04,009 --> 00:04:05,943
Oh, god.

90
00:04:05,978 --> 00:04:07,244
Was that the--

91
00:04:07,279 --> 00:04:08,680
You think that was
the 15th street gang?

92
00:04:08,714 --> 00:04:10,114
Sorry! We
weren't think--

93
00:04:10,149 --> 00:04:12,717
We're gonna
put it back!

94
00:04:12,752 --> 00:04:16,621
OK. There we go.
No problem.

95
00:04:16,656 --> 00:04:17,622
[Gunshots]

96
00:04:17,656 --> 00:04:18,656
Aah!

97
00:04:18,690 --> 00:04:21,192
Get down,
Williams!

98
00:04:21,226 --> 00:04:22,760
That must have been
the Kings.

99
00:04:22,795 --> 00:04:24,629
Holla back.
All up in the house, the Kings.

100
00:04:24,663 --> 00:04:26,764
You're my favorite
gang. All right. What color--Aah! Aah!

101
00:04:26,799 --> 00:04:27,765
[Gunshots]

102
00:04:27,799 --> 00:04:30,067
Aah!
Aah!

103
00:04:30,102 --> 00:04:33,171
I think that was my
damn mama in that car.

104
00:04:38,310 --> 00:04:41,546
Declan: I'm getting
too old for this shit. Reno sheriff's department.

105
00:04:41,580 --> 00:04:42,547
Sheriff's
department.

106
00:04:42,581 --> 00:04:44,082
Man: hey, what are
you guys doing?

107
00:04:44,116 --> 00:04:48,218
We are going door
to door, confiscating unlicensed merchandise.

108
00:04:48,253 --> 00:04:50,055
This is a kids'
party, officers.

109
00:04:50,089 --> 00:04:52,022
Declan: sorry. It's also
copyright infringement.

110
00:04:52,057 --> 00:04:53,358
This right here is
not "Dora the explorer."

111
00:04:53,392 --> 00:04:54,993
That is "Dora
the exploited."

112
00:04:55,027 --> 00:04:56,394
Well, how was I
supposed to know...

113
00:04:56,428 --> 00:04:57,695
This is not a real
Spongebob here. Did you notice that?

114
00:04:57,729 --> 00:04:59,130
I got these at--

115
00:04:59,165 --> 00:05:00,598
Declan: do you want
a hint? Do you want a hint next time?

116
00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:01,799
Mexicans don't have green
eyes. You notice that?

117
00:05:01,834 --> 00:05:03,267
Man: ah, no, no,
no. My sister-in-law has green eyes.

118
00:05:03,301 --> 00:05:04,702
Well, then she got
raped by an Irishman.

119
00:05:04,737 --> 00:05:06,137
Yo, Declan!

120
00:05:06,172 --> 00:05:07,839
I pay my taxes.
I cooperate with the law.

121
00:05:07,873 --> 00:05:08,973
I don't care about
your taxes. It has nothing to do with your taxes.

122
00:05:09,007 --> 00:05:10,942
Hey! Whoa, whoa,
whoa! Uh-Uh!

123
00:05:10,976 --> 00:05:12,243
No, no, no, no, no!

124
00:05:12,277 --> 00:05:16,313
Oh, you nasty
little hooker! Come on!

125
00:05:16,348 --> 00:05:17,782
Man: get them, kids!
Get them!

126
00:05:17,817 --> 00:05:23,354
Declan: aah! Aah!
Son of a... aah!

127
00:05:23,389 --> 00:05:24,856
Get in the car!
Get in the car!

128
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,390
[Kids yelling excitedly]

129
00:05:28,327 --> 00:05:30,562
That was like
a Vietnam movie, man.

130
00:05:35,133 --> 00:05:37,368
[Man speaking Spanish]

131
00:05:37,403 --> 00:05:42,239
Es the Chupacabra.
Kpba--Uno-Cero-Dos- Punto-Cero.

132
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:45,443
Aqui is Spanish
radio station number one in Reno.

133
00:05:45,477 --> 00:05:48,980
We are here with the
Reno sheriff department con los negros.

134
00:05:49,014 --> 00:05:50,448
�que pasa, negros?

135
00:05:50,482 --> 00:05:55,352
Que--Que paso. We are
here to ask the gangs--

136
00:05:55,387 --> 00:05:57,889
The Latin gangs
and the black gangs--

137
00:05:57,923 --> 00:06:01,259
To all come together
so that we can unify--

138
00:06:01,293 --> 00:06:02,026
Unify?

139
00:06:02,061 --> 00:06:04,862
Yeah, black
and brown, get down.

140
00:06:04,896 --> 00:06:06,931
To the Spanish
people of Reno,

141
00:06:06,965 --> 00:06:08,933
If you see a black
police officer,

142
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:12,703
They will give you
their guns para to shoot the white man.

143
00:06:12,738 --> 00:06:14,104
Oh, no!

144
00:06:14,139 --> 00:06:15,673
No, Chupacabra.
We aren't gonna shoot anything...

145
00:06:15,707 --> 00:06:18,676
[Speaking Spanish]

146
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:24,715
Williams: no. Don't
start that. No, no, no.

147
00:06:24,749 --> 00:06:27,051
Jones: I'm not so sure
that we want to--

148
00:06:27,085 --> 00:06:29,387
We don't want to kill
the white people.

149
00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:30,221
Williams: we don't--Anybody.

150
00:06:30,256 --> 00:06:32,056
Ah, si. But we can
agree on one thing.

151
00:06:32,090 --> 00:06:35,193
We can agree
on one thing. Crush los gays.

152
00:06:35,227 --> 00:06:36,594
Jones: no...
Williams: we do not want...

153
00:06:36,628 --> 00:06:38,062
That's all the time
we have on here today. That's it.

154
00:06:38,096 --> 00:06:40,298
No. Let's not do that.

155
00:06:40,332 --> 00:06:41,099
All right.
That was great.

156
00:06:41,133 --> 00:06:42,901
Thank you so much.
That was great.

157
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:44,034
Can I hug you?

158
00:06:44,069 --> 00:06:49,073
Yes! Of course. Yes,
si. Can you feel it?

159
00:06:53,412 --> 00:06:54,479
Rizzo: what's wrong?

160
00:06:54,513 --> 00:06:55,947
Our brakes are out
in the car!

161
00:06:55,981 --> 00:06:57,248
Your brakes are out?
OK, it's gonna be just fine, all right?

162
00:06:57,282 --> 00:06:58,616
What should we do?
The baby!

163
00:06:58,650 --> 00:07:00,251
We got a baby
in the back of the car!

164
00:07:00,285 --> 00:07:02,052
There's a baby in
the car? OK. Everything's-- Just calm down.

165
00:07:02,087 --> 00:07:04,021
Gina, I want you to
keep pumping those brakes.

166
00:07:04,055 --> 00:07:05,857
OK, Lisa, you're
gonna pass the baby to me, all right?

167
00:07:05,891 --> 00:07:07,358
What?

168
00:07:07,393 --> 00:07:10,494
I'm gonna wedge this
in the accelerator so I can help you out.

169
00:07:10,529 --> 00:07:11,996
Oh, god! OK.

170
00:07:12,030 --> 00:07:13,031
All right, baby.
Here we go.

171
00:07:13,065 --> 00:07:14,432
Oh, my god. Oh, god.

172
00:07:14,466 --> 00:07:17,101
All right. I got it.
Got it! Got it! Got it!

173
00:07:17,135 --> 00:07:18,302
Oh, god.

174
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:20,738
Oh, my god. You got
to be kidding me with the cats.

175
00:07:20,772 --> 00:07:22,106
Save him.
Oh, god.

176
00:07:22,141 --> 00:07:23,641
OK.

177
00:07:23,676 --> 00:07:25,309
Aah!

178
00:07:25,344 --> 00:07:27,712
OK. OK.

179
00:07:27,746 --> 00:07:31,549
Gina: oh, my god. It's
working. It's working. I got it back!

180
00:07:31,584 --> 00:07:34,919
It's working? OK, OK.
Let me just pull out this. I'll pull out the baton.

181
00:07:34,954 --> 00:07:37,221
Lisa: OK? OK.

182
00:07:37,255 --> 00:07:39,224
Shit.

183
00:07:39,258 --> 00:07:41,225
Shit! Shit! It's stuck!

184
00:07:41,259 --> 00:07:43,026
What's stuck?

185
00:07:43,061 --> 00:07:44,028
Rizzo: my baton's stuck.
We can't stop the car. We're coming back over.

186
00:07:44,063 --> 00:07:45,062
What?!

187
00:07:45,096 --> 00:07:46,231
We're coming back over!

188
00:07:46,265 --> 00:07:47,231
No! Oh, my god.

189
00:07:47,265 --> 00:07:48,732
Rizzo: OK. We're
coming back over.

190
00:07:48,767 --> 00:07:50,267
Lisa: give my cat back.
OK. Come on. Hurry up. Hurry up.

191
00:07:50,301 --> 00:07:52,737
OK. Here we go.
All right? Ready.

192
00:07:52,771 --> 00:07:53,905
Okay.

193
00:07:53,939 --> 00:07:55,606
Rizzo: God damn it.
Why, Rizzo?!

194
00:07:56,942 --> 00:08:00,277
Go. Now, listen, listen,

195
00:08:00,312 --> 00:08:02,246
I think there's
an airbag in there.

196
00:08:02,281 --> 00:08:04,916
I think there's
an airbag on that side. I'm sorry, bro.

197
00:08:09,955 --> 00:08:14,258
Fuck you, grandpa.
I'm out of my mind on crystal methamphetamine.

198
00:08:14,293 --> 00:08:17,094
My libido has gone
completely haywire.

199
00:08:17,129 --> 00:08:19,263
And I'm fixing on
raping you.

200
00:08:19,298 --> 00:08:21,932
Please don't rape me.
I'm your grandpa!

201
00:08:21,966 --> 00:08:24,668
Shut up! And take
a raping, grandpa.

202
00:08:35,580 --> 00:08:40,584
Williams: mm mm mm. Another
crystal meth grandpa rapist,

203
00:08:40,618 --> 00:08:44,188
Another horrible case of
senior abuse,

204
00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:47,958
But one that's tragically
on the rise in Washoe county.

205
00:08:48,260 --> 00:08:52,396
Even one senior citizen
crystal meth... rape is

206
00:08:52,430 --> 00:08:54,799
Too many for our community.

207
00:08:54,833 --> 00:08:59,303
And the number we had last year,
baby, it's unacceptable.

208
00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:02,974
Now, if you or someone you know
witness a senior rape,

209
00:09:03,008 --> 00:09:09,280
Do the right thing and
contact the Reno sheriff's department immediately.

210
00:09:13,952 --> 00:09:17,822
So, anyway, it turns
out that that stuff for the crotch rot...

211
00:09:17,856 --> 00:09:20,191
And the stuff
for the feet rot, the same stuff.

212
00:09:20,225 --> 00:09:23,595
No, the same powder?
You didn't know that?

213
00:09:23,629 --> 00:09:24,361
Ah, drop it.

214
00:09:24,396 --> 00:09:25,296
Don't freak out.

215
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:26,163
Junior:
drop the gun!

216
00:09:26,197 --> 00:09:27,265
Declan: whoa! Whoa!
Drop the gun!

217
00:09:27,299 --> 00:09:28,265
Don't wig out.

218
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:28,866
Hand over
the pi�'ata, Mike. Hey, do not shoot!

219
00:09:28,900 --> 00:09:29,467
That pi�'ata is mine. But--

220
00:09:29,501 --> 00:09:30,735
Drop the gun!

221
00:09:30,769 --> 00:09:31,769
Do not shoot the pi�'ata!
Do not shoot the pi�'ata!

222
00:09:31,803 --> 00:09:32,737
You guys got--

223
00:09:32,771 --> 00:09:34,004
You take that
gun off that pi�'ata right now!

224
00:09:34,039 --> 00:09:35,305
Drop the god damn gun.

225
00:09:35,340 --> 00:09:36,273
Drop the gun!

226
00:09:36,308 --> 00:09:39,143
OK, let's drop on
the count of 3! Here we go!

227
00:09:39,177 --> 00:09:40,077
Let's count it
down together.

228
00:09:40,112 --> 00:09:41,646
1...

229
00:09:41,680 --> 00:09:44,248
All: 2... 3.

230
00:09:44,282 --> 00:09:46,117
Big Mike: nah. Come on!

231
00:09:46,151 --> 00:09:47,585
Drop the gun, Mike!
Drop the gun, Mike.

232
00:09:47,619 --> 00:09:48,986
You weren't gonna drop it.
You weren't gonna drop it, either.

233
00:09:49,021 --> 00:09:50,654
I was, too. You
just didn't say 3.

234
00:09:50,689 --> 00:09:51,422
Look...

235
00:09:51,456 --> 00:09:52,756
Hey, Mike! Hey!

236
00:09:52,791 --> 00:09:55,193
Hey, hey, hey. Hey, look,
hey, don't freak out.

237
00:09:55,227 --> 00:09:57,828
I've got my gum in there.
It's a gum gun.

238
00:09:57,862 --> 00:09:58,729
God damn it.

239
00:09:58,764 --> 00:09:59,463
Fucking retard.

240
00:09:59,497 --> 00:10:00,197
It's a gum gun.

241
00:10:00,232 --> 00:10:00,765
Give us your gun.

242
00:10:00,799 --> 00:10:02,199
I'll fucking do it.

243
00:10:02,234 --> 00:10:03,968
You'll do what?
Oh, I'll do it.

244
00:10:04,002 --> 00:10:05,235
Chew gum? What?!

245
00:10:05,270 --> 00:10:07,438
What are you gonna
do? Chew gum?

246
00:10:07,472 --> 00:10:11,142
Let a dude have
his gum gun. Let the man have his gum gun!

247
00:10:11,176 --> 00:10:12,276
You know what? I just
want to get out of here.

248
00:10:12,311 --> 00:10:15,979
You stink. You live
in a garbage dump. You're an idiot.

249
00:10:16,014 --> 00:10:18,348
Oh, ho. I live in
a garbage dump?

250
00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:19,050
Yeah, you live in
a garbage dump.

251
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,117
You call that
a garbage dump?

252
00:10:20,151 --> 00:10:21,385
I call that
a garbage dump.

253
00:10:21,420 --> 00:10:23,187
Well, I don't know
what it's like

254
00:10:23,222 --> 00:10:25,789
Over in your crystal palace,
Mrs. Rockefeller...

255
00:10:25,824 --> 00:10:27,324
Declan: you don't
call me Mrs!

256
00:10:27,358 --> 00:10:31,829
Where you have 20
negro slaves working for you night and day,

257
00:10:31,863 --> 00:10:33,464
And a Filipino jockey.

258
00:10:33,498 --> 00:10:35,065
[Coughs]
oh!

259
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:40,571
Weigel: so my husband
Craig was executed

260
00:10:40,605 --> 00:10:44,775
By the state because he
was a serial killer.

261
00:10:44,809 --> 00:10:50,581
And before he died, he
made these lovely videotapes for our unborn son.

262
00:10:50,616 --> 00:10:54,351
I'll let you guys see
the tapes. Kind of fun.

263
00:10:54,386 --> 00:10:56,354
Dangle: this is not
normal white people stuff.

264
00:10:56,388 --> 00:10:58,623
Craig: welcome, camper.
I'm your dad, Craig.

265
00:10:58,657 --> 00:10:59,590
Weigel: aw.

266
00:10:59,624 --> 00:11:01,091
You're probably wondering
why I'm not around.

267
00:11:01,126 --> 00:11:03,093
It's because I killed
a bunch of people.

268
00:11:03,128 --> 00:11:05,229
And then the state
caught me. And then

269
00:11:05,263 --> 00:11:07,932
They're gonna
kill me, and that's why you're not gonna see me.

270
00:11:07,966 --> 00:11:08,833
Weigel: ha ha ha!

271
00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:09,901
Declan: what's funny?
Nothing's funny.

272
00:11:09,935 --> 00:11:11,135
Weigel: it's funny
'cause it's true.

273
00:11:11,169 --> 00:11:13,904
And I'm not ignoring
you. I'm just dead.

274
00:11:13,938 --> 00:11:19,043
Guess what today is.
It's your first birthday. Happy birthday.

275
00:11:19,077 --> 00:11:20,511
Aw.

276
00:11:20,546 --> 00:11:23,781
Blow out your candles.

277
00:11:23,815 --> 00:11:26,617
Awesome. You did
an awesome job.

278
00:11:26,651 --> 00:11:31,188
If this is your second birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.

279
00:11:31,222 --> 00:11:32,356
[Tape cueing]

280
00:11:32,390 --> 00:11:36,094
Happy second birthday.
Blow out your candles.

281
00:11:36,128 --> 00:11:38,295
You did an awesome job.

282
00:11:38,330 --> 00:11:41,465
If this is your third birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.

283
00:11:41,499 --> 00:11:42,499
Weigel: oh!

284
00:11:42,534 --> 00:11:43,600
Declan: can we just--How
many birthdays does he do?

285
00:11:43,635 --> 00:11:46,837
Happy third birthday.
You did an awesome job.

286
00:11:46,872 --> 00:11:49,907
If this is your fourth birthday,
fast-forward two seconds.

287
00:11:49,941 --> 00:11:51,508
Did you make baby
with this guy?

288
00:11:51,543 --> 00:11:54,078
Weigel: yeah.
We sold it, though.

289
00:11:54,112 --> 00:11:55,846
If this is your
40th birthday...

290
00:11:55,881 --> 00:11:57,748
Dangle:
oh, wow.

291
00:11:57,783 --> 00:11:59,984
Happy 40th birthday.
Blow out your candles...

292
00:12:00,018 --> 00:12:03,688
If this is
your 106th birthday...

293
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:06,891
Happy 106th birthday.
Blow out your candles. Awesome job.

294
00:12:06,925 --> 00:12:10,661
You're probably dead by now.

295
00:12:10,695 --> 00:12:13,130
But if you're not, you've
broken some kind of record.

296
00:12:13,164 --> 00:12:15,833
So congratulations.
You did an awesome job.

297
00:12:15,867 --> 00:12:17,134
Weigel: what a dad.

298
00:12:17,369 --> 00:12:18,569
Dangle: who wants
a runchy?

299
00:12:18,604 --> 00:12:19,570
Weigel: I'll have a runchy.

300
00:12:19,604 --> 00:12:21,706
I didn't mean to say it
in a racist way, Cindy.

301
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:22,606
A runchy?

302
00:12:22,640 --> 00:12:23,507
I don't mean to say this
in a racist way...

303
00:12:23,542 --> 00:12:24,041
You know what I meant.
I meant luncheon.

304
00:12:24,076 --> 00:12:25,242
But I rikey runchy.

305
00:12:25,277 --> 00:12:25,743
Dangle: I said it
in a slightly...

306
00:12:25,777 --> 00:12:26,710
I rikey runchy, too.

307
00:12:26,744 --> 00:12:29,246
Ha ha! We all rikey
runchy. Let's do it.

308
00:12:29,281 --> 00:12:31,515
Declan: don't
high-five them. They're both insulting you.

309
00:12:31,550 --> 00:12:33,050
No. It sounds great.

310
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:33,984
It's not insulting.
It's just talking

311
00:12:34,018 --> 00:12:34,885
Like you in
a sing-song way, like you talk.

312
00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:36,053
Yeah.

313
00:12:36,087 --> 00:12:37,654
It's not insulting.
I just a rikey to have some a-runchy.

314
00:12:37,689 --> 00:12:38,923
Yeah!

315
00:12:38,957 --> 00:12:40,224
Dangle: but, seriously,
get us some lunch, would you?

316
00:12:40,258 --> 00:12:41,358
Weigel: yeah. Come back
with some lunch.

317
00:12:41,392 --> 00:12:42,693
OK. I'll be
right back.

318
00:12:42,728 --> 00:12:44,328
OK. Thanks.
And none of that Chinese shit.

319
00:12:49,534 --> 00:12:51,235
We're here at
the high school today

320
00:12:51,269 --> 00:12:53,671
Just, you know, checking
the metal detector.

321
00:12:53,705 --> 00:12:55,506
Keeping the school safe.

322
00:12:55,541 --> 00:12:58,542
Hello. Good morning.

323
00:12:58,577 --> 00:13:01,745
What time you, um,
want to go to the--

324
00:13:01,779 --> 00:13:05,415
Hey, hey,
hey, honey. Come back here.

325
00:13:05,450 --> 00:13:08,085
You thought it was
a good idea to come outside this morning

326
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:11,054
With all of this out?
You look like a whore.

327
00:13:11,089 --> 00:13:12,423
You do. You do look
like a whore.

328
00:13:12,457 --> 00:13:13,691
Mm-Hmm.

329
00:13:13,725 --> 00:13:15,493
You do look like a filthy,
a filthy little whore.

330
00:13:15,527 --> 00:13:17,194
There we go. What!
Hey, ooh.

331
00:13:17,229 --> 00:13:21,031
That looks nice on you.
That looks nice on you.

332
00:13:21,066 --> 00:13:22,800
Hi there, handsome.

333
00:13:22,834 --> 00:13:24,802
Not handsome at all.
In fact, a sad, homely, homely child.

334
00:13:24,836 --> 00:13:27,438
Not handsome, but
appropriately dressed. Huh?

335
00:13:27,472 --> 00:13:28,973
But appropriately
dressed.

336
00:13:29,007 --> 00:13:30,073
Whoa.
Hey! Hey!

337
00:13:30,108 --> 00:13:31,608
Hey, hey.
Seriously?

338
00:13:31,643 --> 00:13:35,145
Weigel: ho, ho.
And I do mean ho.

339
00:13:35,179 --> 00:13:37,615
When you grow up and you
get a real job,

340
00:13:37,649 --> 00:13:40,717
You're not gonna be able
to walk around with your ta-tas hanging out

341
00:13:40,752 --> 00:13:43,354
And your hoo-hoos
hanging out for everybody to see, OK?

342
00:13:43,388 --> 00:13:47,692
Sorry. I am grown up,
and I do have a real job.

343
00:13:47,726 --> 00:13:50,160
Sure you do. You work
at strawberries or the dress barn?

344
00:13:50,195 --> 00:13:51,795
Oh, you grown!
You just grown, huh?

345
00:13:51,829 --> 00:13:55,099
No, I'm--I'm
the principal.

346
00:13:55,133 --> 00:13:56,200
Oh.

347
00:13:56,234 --> 00:13:57,234
Oh.

348
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,606
And a great
principal you are.

349
00:14:02,641 --> 00:14:06,777
You know how I know?
The kids are terrific. Ha ha ha!

350
00:14:06,811 --> 00:14:07,878
Yeah, they are.

351
00:14:07,913 --> 00:14:10,781
Hang in there,
girl. I mean, good job.

352
00:14:10,815 --> 00:14:11,782
Good job.

353
00:14:11,817 --> 00:14:12,783
Thank you.

354
00:14:12,817 --> 00:14:14,418
And by the way,
I love your thong.

355
00:14:14,452 --> 00:14:19,323
I would wear one, too,
but a huge thicket of pubes.

356
00:14:32,870 --> 00:14:33,838
Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.

357
00:14:33,872 --> 00:14:36,140
Come on.
You kidding me?

358
00:14:36,174 --> 00:14:38,909
Junior: not today.
Drop the ice-Cream fliers!

359
00:14:38,943 --> 00:14:41,278
Man: OK. Ho. Ha.
Hey, oh. OK.

360
00:14:41,313 --> 00:14:42,513
Take off
the sponge.

361
00:14:42,547 --> 00:14:43,714
I don't, uh--

362
00:14:43,749 --> 00:14:44,915
Take it off.

363
00:14:44,949 --> 00:14:46,249
Ooooooohhh!

364
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:48,919
What--What is that?
What is that? What is that?

365
00:14:48,954 --> 00:14:50,321
What are you doing?

366
00:14:50,355 --> 00:14:54,024
I get frustrated.
When I get frustrated, I--I experience--

367
00:14:54,058 --> 00:14:55,325
No, no, no, no.

368
00:14:55,359 --> 00:14:56,694
You don't get
cartoon frustrated with me. Look...

369
00:14:56,728 --> 00:14:57,861
You don't talk the
Spongebob acting.

370
00:14:57,896 --> 00:14:59,262
Arresting Spongebob!

371
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:00,897
This is my job, OK?
And you're making my job difficult.

372
00:15:00,932 --> 00:15:02,632
Yup.

373
00:15:02,667 --> 00:15:04,367
Now, I want to
go home tonight.

374
00:15:04,402 --> 00:15:05,736
I want to relax
in front of some TV.

375
00:15:05,770 --> 00:15:08,639
I want to whack it, and I
want to go to sleep early.

376
00:15:08,673 --> 00:15:09,973
Man: if you
just wait--

377
00:15:10,007 --> 00:15:11,641
Declan: but if you
give me a hard time,

378
00:15:11,676 --> 00:15:13,143
I'm gonna think
all night about how I wished I'd killed you.

379
00:15:13,178 --> 00:15:14,778
Now, you take off
this fucking costume.

380
00:15:14,813 --> 00:15:16,146
Sorry, kids.

381
00:15:16,180 --> 00:15:17,648
Take off this frickin'
costume, kids.

382
00:15:17,682 --> 00:15:20,284
Man: I can't believe you
guys are really--

383
00:15:20,318 --> 00:15:22,586
Junior: it's not the
real Spongebob, kids.

384
00:15:22,621 --> 00:15:26,223
Declan: yeah, don't
get freaked out. This is just a bad man. Hey, hey.

385
00:15:26,258 --> 00:15:28,392
Are those
officially licensed batman underpants?

386
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:30,227
I pray to god.
No, you don't.

387
00:15:30,262 --> 00:15:32,662
Take off the underpants.
Take off the underpants! Take off the underpants.

388
00:15:32,697 --> 00:15:33,864
Get out of the way!
I got a clean shot!

389
00:15:33,899 --> 00:15:35,065
Take off
the underpants.

390
00:15:35,100 --> 00:15:37,134
Move over! Travis,
move over!

391
00:15:37,169 --> 00:15:39,903
Get him! All right.

392
00:15:39,937 --> 00:15:41,505
Let me see those things.

393
00:15:41,539 --> 00:15:44,575
You're good kids.
You eat that ice cream.

394
00:15:44,609 --> 00:15:46,644
Junior: check
the girl's socks.

395
00:15:46,678 --> 00:15:47,878
Oh, no.

396
00:15:50,182 --> 00:15:54,218
I'm sorry.
Don't hate the police. Hate your parents.

397
00:15:57,956 --> 00:15:59,590
[Clapping hands]
my name is Glen.

398
00:15:59,624 --> 00:16:01,892
My name is Bill,
and who here likes vacations?

399
00:16:01,926 --> 00:16:03,127
I do.

400
00:16:03,161 --> 00:16:07,031
Bill: but it's tough
to take vacation

401
00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:11,435
When you only
have 5 days allotted the entire year.

402
00:16:11,469 --> 00:16:13,670
You know what?
We're gonna do a little magic here.

403
00:16:13,705 --> 00:16:16,840
What would you
say if we took those 5 days...

404
00:16:16,874 --> 00:16:20,810
We took those 5 days
and we--Abracadabra-- Made them 10 days!

405
00:16:20,845 --> 00:16:23,180
Whoo! 10 days
of vacation time!

406
00:16:23,214 --> 00:16:24,581
Weigel: wow.

407
00:16:24,615 --> 00:16:25,850
Dangle: I'd say hell, yeah!

408
00:16:25,884 --> 00:16:30,988
It can happen if you
believe in the program we're talking about.

409
00:16:31,022 --> 00:16:32,256
We're talking about
a program.

410
00:16:32,290 --> 00:16:34,124
Who wants to book
a vacation? No one, right?

411
00:16:34,158 --> 00:16:35,192
Glen: no!

412
00:16:35,227 --> 00:16:36,360
Bill: who wants
to think about where they're going?

413
00:16:36,394 --> 00:16:39,429
Who wants to call up
a hotel, go on-line?

414
00:16:39,463 --> 00:16:41,264
That sounds like a lot
of hassle to me.

415
00:16:41,299 --> 00:16:42,366
Bill: it is.

416
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:44,935
Glen: exactly. It is
a lot of hassle, but not anymore.

417
00:16:44,969 --> 00:16:48,538
If you want 10 days,
all you have to do is vacation

418
00:16:48,572 --> 00:16:52,009
At one of 3 resorts
that we have predetermined for you.

419
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:53,277
Declan: a resort like
a resort-resort?

420
00:16:53,311 --> 00:16:57,247
Glen: it's a resort
in the greater Tampa metropolitan area.

421
00:16:57,282 --> 00:16:57,782
Man: wow.

422
00:16:57,816 --> 00:16:59,216
Declan: fuck yeah.

423
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:03,120
Glen: and they are so nice.
How about a place called Casa Laguna? Boom!

424
00:17:03,155 --> 00:17:05,156
Casa Lagunas!

425
00:17:05,190 --> 00:17:06,390
Weigel: I like the water.

426
00:17:06,424 --> 00:17:08,958
Bill: it all takes
place right here, here, and here in Tampa.

427
00:17:08,993 --> 00:17:10,027
Declan: what
the hell is that?

428
00:17:10,061 --> 00:17:12,696
Guys, it is so beautiful.
You got to see this place.

429
00:17:12,730 --> 00:17:16,967
You are just a short
tram ride away from the beach!

430
00:17:17,001 --> 00:17:18,035
Yeah!

431
00:17:18,069 --> 00:17:20,070
How could we possibly afford
this on a cop's salary?

432
00:17:20,104 --> 00:17:21,104
Bill: well, that's
the thing.

433
00:17:21,139 --> 00:17:26,510
What we do is we go
like this. Oh, oh, oh!

434
00:17:26,544 --> 00:17:27,544
Boom!

435
00:17:27,578 --> 00:17:29,246
Glen: what are we talking
about right here, guys?

436
00:17:29,281 --> 00:17:30,514
Bill: we're talking
about Tupperware.

437
00:17:30,548 --> 00:17:31,381
Glen: yeah.

438
00:17:31,415 --> 00:17:33,283
All you got to do
is sell

439
00:17:33,317 --> 00:17:38,021
Over $50 of
Tupperware to 3 to 5 friends.

440
00:17:38,056 --> 00:17:40,590
For every week for
the next 6 months.

441
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:41,491
Dangle: easy, easy.
We can do that.

442
00:17:41,526 --> 00:17:43,060
And then you will
qualify for the package.

443
00:17:43,094 --> 00:17:43,994
Dangle: easy.

444
00:17:44,029 --> 00:17:45,162
What was your favorite
time in your life?

445
00:17:45,196 --> 00:17:46,696
When you had sleepovers
with your friends? Yeah!

446
00:17:46,731 --> 00:17:48,231
Weigel: I love sleepovers.
Yeah!

447
00:17:48,266 --> 00:17:49,299
Everybody all
together, right?

448
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:50,500
Officers: yeah!

449
00:17:50,535 --> 00:17:53,436
Well, we are gonna
give you a bona fide dorm room experience

450
00:17:53,471 --> 00:17:55,306
Because you are
gonna be sharing this condo

451
00:17:55,340 --> 00:17:58,142
With up to 7
different people.

452
00:17:58,176 --> 00:18:01,878
And the beauty of it,
you don't even know them, so you make new friends.

453
00:18:01,913 --> 00:18:02,680
Junior: that's good
people watching.

454
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,647
Glen: at the beach.

455
00:18:03,681 --> 00:18:05,115
Bill: and I want
to talk about security, too.

456
00:18:05,149 --> 00:18:07,685
Every window has
bars on them.

457
00:18:07,719 --> 00:18:08,885
Dangle: great.
You're protected.

458
00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,154
You're not going
to have to worry

459
00:18:10,188 --> 00:18:11,589
About your stuff
getting stolen. Great.

460
00:18:11,623 --> 00:18:14,090
Glen: and if you're afraid
of other things that might happen at the beach,

461
00:18:14,125 --> 00:18:16,026
Such as shark attacks,
did you know

462
00:18:16,060 --> 00:18:17,694
That the occurrence
of a shark attack,

463
00:18:17,728 --> 00:18:22,199
The odds of that happening
are so minuscule to almost be negligible?

464
00:18:22,233 --> 00:18:23,167
Dangle: it's
so "negativeable,"

465
00:18:23,201 --> 00:18:25,235
It makes me wonder why
you even brought it up.

466
00:18:25,470 --> 00:18:27,571
Well, we have to
bring it up by law.

467
00:18:27,605 --> 00:18:30,407
So we get 10 nights,
at an all inclusive resort,

468
00:18:30,442 --> 00:18:33,176
Two rides on the tram,
a job, mandatory lectures,

469
00:18:33,211 --> 00:18:35,579
And all we have to do
is sell $12,000 worth of Tupperware!

470
00:18:35,613 --> 00:18:36,780
Exactly!
Exactly!

471
00:18:36,814 --> 00:18:38,682
Declan: I'm going to
the Tampa area!

472
00:18:38,716 --> 00:18:39,783
Yeah!

473
00:18:39,817 --> 00:18:42,686
We need an investment from
you for the Tupperware.

474
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:44,154
So you're gonna put
some money out. Great.

475
00:18:44,188 --> 00:18:45,822
And then you're gonna
get your money back...

476
00:18:45,857 --> 00:18:47,191
Dangle: it takes money
to make money. Am I right?

477
00:18:47,225 --> 00:18:51,161
Come outside to our van.
And we are gonna give you some Tupperware!

478
00:18:51,195 --> 00:18:55,966
All:
Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware! Tupperware!

479
00:19:03,107 --> 00:19:05,309
Declan: we can
just throw all this stuff off here?

480
00:19:05,343 --> 00:19:07,278
I feel like
a crap sandwich.

481
00:19:07,312 --> 00:19:08,645
Junior: how do you mean?

482
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,582
I didn't get into law
enforcement to make a bunch of kids miserable.

483
00:19:11,616 --> 00:19:13,650
I got into
law enforcement for the outside possibility

484
00:19:13,684 --> 00:19:18,822
I'd get to shoot a man
and get away with it through self-fefense.

485
00:19:18,857 --> 00:19:22,326
I've always felt like
I was the wrathful hand of god.

486
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:27,164
Today I felt like
I was the devil clawing up from hell

487
00:19:27,198 --> 00:19:30,767
And stealing
happiness from children.

488
00:19:30,802 --> 00:19:32,068
[Music playing in distance]

489
00:19:32,103 --> 00:19:34,337
Listen.

490
00:19:37,275 --> 00:19:38,976
You hear that?

491
00:19:39,010 --> 00:19:40,510
It sounds like a party.

492
00:19:40,545 --> 00:19:45,749
It sounds like
quincea�'era music, birthday party.

493
00:19:46,017 --> 00:19:47,818
How can they be celebrating?

494
00:19:47,852 --> 00:19:51,956
I saw them all crying and
screaming and begging.

495
00:19:51,990 --> 00:19:54,925
I even stole
a little girl's Spongebob leggings.

496
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:58,328
How can they be
celebrating?

497
00:19:59,897 --> 00:20:03,733
They're down
there celebrating without pi�'atas.

498
00:20:03,768 --> 00:20:05,735
But they shouldn't
have to.

499
00:20:07,204 --> 00:20:09,339
You know what?

500
00:20:09,373 --> 00:20:13,810
I thought
I'd never say this. But fuck Johnny Law.

501
00:20:20,451 --> 00:20:24,320
Whoo! Let's run some
red lights. Whoo.

502
00:20:34,065 --> 00:20:34,798
Hey!

503
00:20:34,833 --> 00:20:35,598
Today's on us.

504
00:20:35,633 --> 00:20:37,300
Free almost-genuine
Spongebobs!

505
00:20:37,334 --> 00:20:38,502
You got a kid?

506
00:20:38,536 --> 00:20:41,338
Everybody loves
Spongebob. This is kind of like Spongebob.

507
00:20:41,372 --> 00:20:42,406
Ha ha!

508
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:45,542
Junior: absolutely free.
All this can-- Whoa. Jesus.

509
00:20:45,576 --> 00:20:46,576
Man: hold it. Hold it.
You're under arrest

510
00:20:46,611 --> 00:20:48,745
For copyright infringement.
Get away from the car.

511
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:49,980
All right, all right,
all right, all right...

512
00:20:50,015 --> 00:20:50,780
Do it. Go,
go, go.

513
00:20:50,815 --> 00:20:51,915
Oh, ow, ow.

514
00:20:51,949 --> 00:20:53,150
Boy, your car's
pretty hot...

515
00:20:53,184 --> 00:20:55,619
Push my head down.
I hit my head, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

516
00:20:55,654 --> 00:20:57,754
You do not fuck
with Viacom.

517
00:20:57,788 --> 00:20:58,488
Yes, sir.

518
00:20:58,523 --> 00:20:59,389
Over there.
Ow!

519
00:20:59,423 --> 00:21:01,090
Captioning made possible by
MTV networks

520
00:21:04,629 --> 00:21:05,996
Chupacabra:
do you guys like menudo?

521
00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:07,096
Woman:
live together.

522
00:21:07,131 --> 00:21:08,999
Jones: um, sure.
Yeah. We like...

523
00:21:09,033 --> 00:21:11,000
Woman: menudo?
They know menudo?

524
00:21:11,035 --> 00:21:12,102
Jones: we like
menudo.

525
00:21:12,137 --> 00:21:15,472
Chupacabra:
what about manu-re? Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...

526
00:21:15,507 --> 00:21:16,205
Woman: we could
have a condo.

527
00:21:16,240 --> 00:21:17,407
Williams: no.
Ch-Ch-Chupacabra?

528
00:21:17,442 --> 00:21:19,510
Jones: what are
you--What is that?

529
00:21:19,544 --> 00:21:21,478
Chupacabra:
that's manu-re!

530
00:21:21,513 --> 00:21:26,216
Menudo is
the new manure. Pfft! Pfft! Pfft...

531
00:21:26,250 --> 00:21:27,817
Woman:
will you stop?

532
00:21:27,852 --> 00:21:28,852
Chupacabra:
uh-Oh!

533
00:21:28,887 --> 00:21:31,221
[Silly voice]
waah! Perdoname.

534
00:21:31,255 --> 00:21:34,624
That was the baby in
the radio station!

535
00:21:34,674 --> 00:21:39,224
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